How to Really Scrooge Up Your Christmas

Here are my... drum roll please,

Top Ten Ways to Really Scrooge Up Your Christmas!

1. Save your shopping to the last minute. The Jiffy Mart is usually open all night Christmas Eve and you can always buy a Nascar cap or lighter for your wife.
   
2. Plug all your Christmas lights into one socket. The overload wil create a great fireworks display and give you a new festive holiday hairdo.
   
3. Make sure you give your children lots of holiday cookies and candy. They need extra sugar to be this persistent and annoying about getting stuff and how Santa does his job.
   
4. Insist that you attend every holiday party and event that is around. No matter how exhausted you are or how much your feet hurt, go!
   
5. Be sure that you don't set limits on spending. Hey! You've got charge cards. You've got checks left! Hey! There's an ATM! That must mean you can afford it. Show your kids that its all about the stuff!
   
6. If you've never chopped down a christmas tree go to your neighborhood tree lot and tell them you want to get the feel of cutting your own tree down. Carry your own chain saw onto the lot and for safety be sure and wear an old hockey goalie mask for safety. Watch the children run around and squeal in unbridled joy.
   
7. Use the fruitcake your friend sent you as a doorstop. Invite your friend over and she will be so impressed that you are using her gift so proudly.
   
8. Invite all the associates and relatives you do not like to one party. That way you can get all the unpleasantries over in one evening. If you add alcohol you could even get law officers to validate how hard these people are to get along with.
   
9. Send out one of those yearly family update newsletters. Enclose your family pictures (Everybody has blank space on their refrigerator they need to fill). Detail every day of your kid's school life. You have so many to send just address them to "Resident".
   
10. Ask for receipts with your presents. I mean, really we're all going to run into each other at Wal-Mart the day after Christmas exchanging everything anyway. So just ask for the receipts in advances and make things really easy for us.