Please Sir, Can I Have Some More?

Dateline Miami: A Wendy’s manager is shot in the arm trying to enforce the two packet chili sauce limit.
When people joke about prisoners having to state to other prisoners why they are locked up some stories sound a little sillier than others.
“Why are you in?”
“Grand theft.”
“What’ya steal.”
“A Chihuahua. Who knew Miss Muffy was a grand champion.”
Things cannot go well in prison after you earn the nickname, “Chihuahua Boy.”
However, I imagine after you tell the tale of “the man” trying to hold you down by limiting you to two chili packs you probably get a lot of respect.
I wouldn’t pull out a gun over it but I have had the condiment patrol harass me before. Anyone who’s a ketchup and fat fry guy knows it takes eight packs of ketchup to outlast a Biggie order of Wendy’s fries. (I mean back when I ate French fries, yeah that’s it, back when I actually ate French fries, wink, wink.) Skinny fries like Mickey D’s don’t need any ketchup but fat fries need some serious tomato pasting.
Well, one day when I was on my way to a speaking gig my wife and I stopped at a Wendy’s (yes, that’s how big my speaking per diem is, a Wendy’s!). After I had asked and rather grouchily been given my eight ketchups my wife was at the counter waiting for her order when she heard the cashier say, “He ain’t gonna eat all them ketchups! He’s taking ‘em home!”
Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that? I could also take about twenty paper towels out of every bathroom I stopped at and never have to buy or launder towels again! Hey, I could open up a booth at the Flea Market and sell ketchup, salt, pepper, straws, plastic ware, and little cups that other people use for free water!
I know the restaurant business has a close cut profit margin center; after all didn’t Subway take over the world by being the napkin Nazis and only giving you one napkin per sandwich? But I think its time to lighten up on the condiment policy otherwise fast food restaurants are going to have to start paying combat pay. Meanwhile Wendy’s should start its new ad campaign, “ Wendy’s Chili Sauce, a Real Shot in the Arm!” or“Chili Sauce, Worth Going to Prison For!,” No, I’ve got it, “Wendy’s Chili Sauce Worth an Arm and a… Well, Just an Arm.”