Halloween Costume Diagnosis

Oh yeah! It’s time for the greatest American holiday ever! Halloweeeeeeeeen! Just dress up in funny clothes and get candy! What could be simpler? It’s also good training for future capitalist. Put a little effort into putting on a work uniform, going out into the cold and get paid a little sugar.
This memo is for you adults who didn’t get the memo, you too can play along. Even if you are the stay at home candy-giver-outer (like an offensive lineman, perhaps the most forgotten but most important cog in this cycle of hyperkinetic life) you too can still dress up and play along.
As a licensed psychotherapist I can assess your personality through your costume choices. If you choose the scallywag pirate costume then you’re the kind of person who sometimes goes wild and crazy and occasionally runs a yellow light or fudges just a teeny weenie on your tax exemptions. Yep, creating havoc in the intersections and plundering from the government is your cup of ale.
Cowboy costumes reflect those of you who enjoy the great outdoors by daring to roll down the window in your car a couple of days in October and say “Boy, the fresh air feels good!” You enjoy looking at the great vastness and openness of the plains on your high def 64” television.
The hippie costume of long hair, peace signs, and tie-dyed shirts is a classic for those of us who remember our glory days (and haven’t really done much since). (By the way we know the store doesn’t sell them with that particular herbal scent reeking from them.)
If you go for the big glasses, pocket protector Nerd costume. Then lets just say you may not have been the orangest pumpkin in the patch. Yessiree, if you can’t beat ‘em… well truth is you probably did beat up a few nerds before you became an adult and realized the proper way to address a nerd is, “Yes sir, you’re the boss.” The mullet wig and Billy Bob rotten teeth may seem funny to you nerdy types who now have financial control of the world. But don’t forget the guy coming around dressed as a nerd may not find it so funny. While you may feel you have the right to press charges for wedgies and swirlies it is very hard to actually get a conviction with so many people running around in masks on. See what I mean, Halloween, the greatest American holiday!