The Potential Florida Chainsaw Massacre

To me, the two strangest non-laws in America are that anybody can rent a U-Haul truck without a special license and anyone can buy a chainsaw without having special training. To make matters worse, I now own a chainsaw stuck on the end of a long pole. Yes, my wife would like those dangling vines cut down from 10-feet high and yes God gave me two arms so I could still have one if I lost one in a pole chain-saw accident.

Now, it seems she wants these vines cut down at about the 20-feet-high level because I was sent up the ladder with my Decapitate-O-Matic! Yes, there I stood wildly swinging the death blade on a stick from a wobbly ladder. Somehow the vines got whacked and I did not.
My good friend Darren "Jethro" Thompson topped this story by saying his neighbor asked him to hold the ladder while his neighbor scurried up the ladder of death. Now only one thing could be more dangerous than standing on the ladder and swinging the chainsaw wildly. That is standing beneath the wild blade swinger. If you are the ladder holder there any combination of approximately six different heavy or sharp objects that could rain down on your noggin; the objects being sawed, the sawyer (fancy word for one who saws), the ladder, the pole, the chain-saw motor, or the sharp, jagged metal rotating "teeth of a jaguar" cutting part of the saw.

Once again I escaped another day of yard work with my limbs intact which I am convinced only gives my wife another day of false security that I am capable of making the yard look better and not leave blood stains. I tremble because we are not far away from Christmas lights on the roof season. Maybe Jethro and I can put the lights up by hooking the lights on the end of the pole chain saw, from a ladder affixed to the top of a U-Haul as we drive by. I guess we need a third manly man to hold the ladder as we fly by. I know Mell's wife, Kelly, has bought into the invincible husband doing yardwork myth. Hey Mell, what are you doing the Friday after Thanksgiving?