The Super Bowl For The Uninterested

Six points (the same amount as for a touchdown, which is what it is called when a player goes into the colored rectangle at the end of the field with the football) for those who end up at a Super Bowl party who have no interest in being there:

Sneak the remote control into your pocket and change the channel when the ball is in the air.
Say, “Whassup!!! With that Call?” every three minutes.

Say, “Who let the dogs out?” every time there is more than one player who makes a tackle.

Pass out scorecards (0.0 –10.0) for people to rate the end zone dances.

Pass out rating pads for the really important people, the advertisers. Cumulate the scores and e-mail the scores to sponsors along with a bill of $1,000 per consultant at your party.

Keep a tally of the number of “What a stupid call!”, “What a spaz!”, “I coulda caught that!”, etc… per guest. At the end make a “Whiner of the Year” award and everyone gets to follow this person around work the next day and criticize his or her performance.

Six more points to try if you really want to get into the game and sound knowledgeable; use these phrases or do these actions with the confidence of an old pro:

After the coin toss, pack your things, put your coat and on your way out say, “Wow! That was exciting. All that work, all those pads, and it comes down to one coin flip. That was great! See y’all later.”

When the game is about to start say, “I hope we win the tip-off”.

When the quarterback goes to take the ball from the center say, “See it is OK for guys show their affection in public”.

After a touchdown jump up and actually do a touchdown dance. Don’t be embarrassed if you’re the only one gettin’ down, many parties have a house rule that states the first one up is the only lucky fan that gets to actually celebrate. (Remember these key dances, The Funky Chicken, The Cabbage Patch, The Worm, and, of course, The Robot.)

When the kicker kicks after a touchdown, say, “Well, now that wasn’t very nice. He kicked the ball into the stands so the other team won’t have a turn with the ball.”

Say, “Boy I wish ABC was carrying the game. I miss a good Dennis Miller comparison of the offensive line with the gang from The Iliad and The Odyssey.”