The Unhandy Man's Guide To Christmas Lights!

Well, we're about 3/4 of the way done putting up Christmas lights and I fully expect a knock on the door from a few shepherds and wiseguys. I think we're brighter than any star they could be following.
I would like to share a few helpful hints to anyone still putting up Christmas lights:

1. If working on the roof, go barefooted. You will find your monkey gripping toes to be a great assett as you hang 3/4 of your weight over the edge of the roof to get that last light clipped. My first year of marriage, as I hung over the edge of the roof, I thought, "I guess my wife wants Christmas lights more than she wants a husband!"
2. Duct Tape is the only thing that will keep your lights stuck to the side of your house. The clips with sticky are slick and stylish but we're looking for sticky here, not slick. And by the way to the manufacturer's of "Duck Tape" the most common brand of duct tape (cute name, huh?) your clear kind does not stick as well as the other colors.
3. You can buy more electricity. Two years ago we knew we needed more electricity. I called the electrician in the yellow pages who did not have an ad. I wanted to pay for electricity not the guys ad. It sounded like I caught the guy washing dishes that night. The next day he came out, we had additional outlets and the house has not burned down (yet).
4. Make sure the women of the house have dried their hair before sunset. Even after adding more electricity we still can't use the blow dryer with the Christmas lights on without blowing a fuse!
5. Complaining about putting up Christmas lights is an oxymoronic phrase. If you're complainin' you're not ho-ho-hoin'! If it's that much of a pain, just drop a check in the mail to the Salvation Army and go watch Texas Walker re-runs.
6. Shop the day after Christmas. Make an envy list and then go buy it for 75% off for pure assembly and cord untangling joy next year!

It's Time Start Ducting The Issues!

When you wake on Nov. 5 it will be all over but the shoutin'! I take that back, if you listen to talk radio and cable news talk shows the shoutin' is never over. I sure have heard a lot of people just say they are relieved this election is over. Relieved. HmmÖthat's too bad. Free and fair elections are what people all over the world fight for. And all we can feel is relief?

My guess is there truly is a silent majority that get that quietly goes about its business and doesn't like the accusatory nature of today's politics. Now don't get me wrong I don't think politics have been white linen glove affairs in the past. What I'm real sure of now is that this is our first election with full blown blogs, texts, internet, talk radio, and cable news. It's like we are walking around with two bullhorns, one facing in toward each ear. No wonder we're so irritable!
The sides seems to have drawn some pretty strong lines. If you're for Obama you just want to be hip and cool. If you're for McCain, you're a rich self-centered snob. I really like to think people have more depth than that. I know of some pro-life democrats and some pro-life republicans. Now put that in your stove pipe hat and smoke it. Yes, people can affiliate with a party and have different opinions than that party.

Maybe it seems like we have forgotten that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Here's my recommendation for how to fix the system. Sometime in the next four years you have to have a duct tape over your mouth conversation with someone of a different persuasion. The following week you could be the talker instead of the ductee. That's right, people would actually listen to a complete statement knowing they could not yell at or interrupt their friend. Ooh, did I just use the word “friend” in a political discussion. How weird was that.

Maybe we can then go from yelling, trash talking, accusatory, mean spirited elections to just having an inductee for president.