Are You Ready For Some Cut Throat Football

As Bing Crosby, Andy Williams, Johnny Mathis and anybody else who’s tried to hustle a Christmas album sang, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year…” Unfortunately they apparently got caught up in all that Christmas gobbledy gook and forgot that first glorious weekend in September that is truly the most wonderful time of the year. Are you ready for some football?

This year I busted out laughing when I saw the billboard promoting season tickets for the ‘Noles. It features Bobby Bowden and all the assistant coaches. No players, no diving catches, no monster hits, no touchdowns. They might as well have just put a white billboard with bold black letters saying, “Yes, we really did change our coaching staff, it’s safe to pay your money and come back to the stadium.”

In one of my more macho moments several years ago I decided I would go down to the manly-man barber shop and get a manly-man hot shave with a straight razor on opening day of football season. When I got to the barber shop all the barbers were busy. Finally some old guy dragged himself in about fifteen minutes late. I stepped up to the chair and, in my deepest voice, proclaimed, “I’d like a hot shave, please.” The barber seemed to freeze for a second and then proceeded to move around behind the chair fiddling with stuff like a third grader trying to make up a science fair project on the fly.

He finally lathered me up and got out the straight razor. As he took a few swipes of shaving cream off my face I started to notice that his hand was shaking. I had also noticed some curious smell coming from underneath his layers of Aqua Velva. Hmm… a little bit late on a Saturday morning, shaking profusely, and his pores still leaking alcohol. I believe I had just laid my head back and offered my throat up to a man with a straight razor and a hang over! Now I know how turkeys must feel around Thanksgiving. Fortunately, this wise (or at least alcoholically experienced) man had the insight to say without offering any excuses or apologies. “I’m going to have to switch to this,” as he pulled out a 39 cent plastic blue razor. I breathed a sigh of relief but thought, “Hey, they are called safety razors but I think there might be a disclaimer on those packages that say something to the effect of ‘Do not operate under the influence of alcohol (even if the alcohol intake was 7 hours ago)’.”

Monday Night Football on Labor Day, new assistant coaches, at Clemson against one of Bobby’s sons? Could it get any better than that? Actually, I do have two suggestions that could make this the perfect football storm. It should be a federal law that if your team is playing on a weeknight you automatically get the next day off. Secondly, can we please have a website that posts the name of barbers who went out drinking the night before?