I finished my book! I finished my book! (That's really meant to be sung in a nanny nanny boo boo kind of way) You can find it on www.amazon.com and just put "Paul Peavy" in the search box. The name of it is "Recession-Proof Your Heart, Mind, Body, And Soul!"
Enough about the book already. My important question of the day is, "Is Hardee's run by heart surgeons looking to prime their own heart surgery pumps for business?" I mean, really, is a Bologna and Egg and Cheese Biscuit really necessary? How about puttin' some mayonnaise on that thing and give it an even 500 grams of fat? Oh well, gotta admit a simple egg biscuit from Hardee's may be my favorite guilty pleasure.
Monday, February 01, 2010
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Taking a Break to Write a Book
I have been taking a break to write the book Recession-Proof Your Heart, Mind, Body, and Soul. Look for it on Amazon by April 1 (Yes, April Fool's Day)!
Sunday, December 21, 2008
C.I.S.S., Christmas Is Simple Stupid
I went to church tonight. Normally it is a high energy, rock 'n roll affair with tons of college students in a high school auditorium. Tonight, with the students gone it was a simple affair held in a small church.
It seemed to keep with the theme that God was saying , "Keep It Simple, Stupid!" The smell of the wooden pews and the wooden beams of the building reminded me that it started in a manger with animals and hay. No Black Friday, no Christmas lights.
A couple that must have been scared out of their gourds about what they were doing. But proceeding any way because they knew it was what God wanted. That simple desire to follow God's will would be so helpful to so many of us. Just get the "What if's" and the "Why me's" out of the way and just do it.
Then a little baby was born and the world changed forever. That's about as simple as it gets. Dean Inserra, our pastor, last week talked about how a little baby will just wrap his or her hand around your finger. It's just a response, maybe a way a baby connects. But Mary and Joseph probably tested that reflex. And Jesus wrapped his tiny soft hand around their finger. What a simple way to show he was connecting to humans.
Its all so simple.
It seemed to keep with the theme that God was saying , "Keep It Simple, Stupid!" The smell of the wooden pews and the wooden beams of the building reminded me that it started in a manger with animals and hay. No Black Friday, no Christmas lights.
A couple that must have been scared out of their gourds about what they were doing. But proceeding any way because they knew it was what God wanted. That simple desire to follow God's will would be so helpful to so many of us. Just get the "What if's" and the "Why me's" out of the way and just do it.
Then a little baby was born and the world changed forever. That's about as simple as it gets. Dean Inserra, our pastor, last week talked about how a little baby will just wrap his or her hand around your finger. It's just a response, maybe a way a baby connects. But Mary and Joseph probably tested that reflex. And Jesus wrapped his tiny soft hand around their finger. What a simple way to show he was connecting to humans.
Its all so simple.
Of Santa Claus and Stranger Danger.
"Stay away from strangers!"
"Don't take candy from anyone you don't know."
"Yell, if you see anything unusual."
And then comes Christmas.
"Look, honey, see the big fat old guy with the long scraggly beard and hair? The one whose wearing red and white fur. Look, he's offering you a candy cane! Why don't you go sit on his lap?"
"Don't take candy from anyone you don't know."
"Yell, if you see anything unusual."
And then comes Christmas.
"Look, honey, see the big fat old guy with the long scraggly beard and hair? The one whose wearing red and white fur. Look, he's offering you a candy cane! Why don't you go sit on his lap?"
Herding Carolling Cats
Last night we took a group of people ranging from age 2 to 56 carolling. Let me just say, this was much like the old saying of like "herding cats." One genius mother gave out glow sticks so the children could be better seen by cars. These soon became batons, both the kind you throw and twirl and the air and the kind police beat the living daylights out of when you've been naughty and they don't think coal in the stocking is enough punishment.
To follow the cats analogy I think our singing was much like cats being given a bath. Surprisingly, many people opened their door. More surprisingly some people listened to our whole song. Most surprisingly, some people smiled and said, "Thank you," when we were done.
The lessons that I would like to pass on is this. One verse and one chorus of any Christmas carol is puhlentyyyyyy! No need droning on and on. Secondly, can somebody please invent a dignified cat leash for a cat that stands about 4 feet tall and walks on two legs. We'll be glad to test out about 15 of them for you next year!
To follow the cats analogy I think our singing was much like cats being given a bath. Surprisingly, many people opened their door. More surprisingly some people listened to our whole song. Most surprisingly, some people smiled and said, "Thank you," when we were done.
The lessons that I would like to pass on is this. One verse and one chorus of any Christmas carol is puhlentyyyyyy! No need droning on and on. Secondly, can somebody please invent a dignified cat leash for a cat that stands about 4 feet tall and walks on two legs. We'll be glad to test out about 15 of them for you next year!
Christmas Music 25 Hours A Day, 8 Days A Week!
Great news, America, we are smack dab in the middle of that period known in radio land as “Christmas music 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!”
Yes, I can remember when the big wigs at radio stations decided to play continuous Christmas music from 6 PM on Christmas Eve all the way through midnight Christmas day! Well, it must be the 45th amendment that in America if a little of something is a good thing, to absolutely drown in it must be a great thing! So now some radio stations started playing Christmas music 24/7 the week before Thanksgiving. The… week… before… Thanksgiving! They even trampled over the greatest American holiday song of all, Adam Sandler’s “Turkey Song.” Why don’t we just have Christmas music playing while our kids trick or treat? Heck, we can just combine Carolling with Halloween. “Now sing for your treat little Yoda!”
I mean every artist has to have a Christmas song out now. There’s Toby Keith’s “If Jesus Was Born In The South He Could Have Stayed at MaMaw’s House.” I’m sure Fifty Cent must have a rap that goes, “Yo, Yo, Yo, Santa Ya’ Better Knock Before Ya’ Come Down ‘Da Chimney!”
Oh my gosh, if you add up the time from the week before Thanksgiving through Christmas that’s 50,400 minutes of Christmas music. Think about it, you are going to hear Elvis having a blue Christmas, Bing Crosby wishing for a white Christmas, and Jeff Foxworthy having Twelve Days of Redneck Christmas about 350 times. What kind of shrinkage do you think happens to the national IQ hearing “The Chipmunk Christmas Song” ten times a day? And speaking of that, can’t somebody give Alvin some Ritalin so the little chipmunk doesn’t go missing in the middle of the song every time.
“But, Paul,” you say, “There are commercial breaks!” Oh, yeah? What do commercials have in the background during the holiday season? That’s right, Christmas music with catchy words like, “We Wish You a Chevy Christmas!”
Here’s a very strange proposal from an American, especially at this time of year. How about a little moderation? You know, how about giving us two Christmas songs every hour? Until then I think I think I ‘m going to honor another great American tradition you know , the protest, that’s right give ‘em the ol’ “Silent Night.”
Yes, I can remember when the big wigs at radio stations decided to play continuous Christmas music from 6 PM on Christmas Eve all the way through midnight Christmas day! Well, it must be the 45th amendment that in America if a little of something is a good thing, to absolutely drown in it must be a great thing! So now some radio stations started playing Christmas music 24/7 the week before Thanksgiving. The… week… before… Thanksgiving! They even trampled over the greatest American holiday song of all, Adam Sandler’s “Turkey Song.” Why don’t we just have Christmas music playing while our kids trick or treat? Heck, we can just combine Carolling with Halloween. “Now sing for your treat little Yoda!”
I mean every artist has to have a Christmas song out now. There’s Toby Keith’s “If Jesus Was Born In The South He Could Have Stayed at MaMaw’s House.” I’m sure Fifty Cent must have a rap that goes, “Yo, Yo, Yo, Santa Ya’ Better Knock Before Ya’ Come Down ‘Da Chimney!”
Oh my gosh, if you add up the time from the week before Thanksgiving through Christmas that’s 50,400 minutes of Christmas music. Think about it, you are going to hear Elvis having a blue Christmas, Bing Crosby wishing for a white Christmas, and Jeff Foxworthy having Twelve Days of Redneck Christmas about 350 times. What kind of shrinkage do you think happens to the national IQ hearing “The Chipmunk Christmas Song” ten times a day? And speaking of that, can’t somebody give Alvin some Ritalin so the little chipmunk doesn’t go missing in the middle of the song every time.
“But, Paul,” you say, “There are commercial breaks!” Oh, yeah? What do commercials have in the background during the holiday season? That’s right, Christmas music with catchy words like, “We Wish You a Chevy Christmas!”
Here’s a very strange proposal from an American, especially at this time of year. How about a little moderation? You know, how about giving us two Christmas songs every hour? Until then I think I think I ‘m going to honor another great American tradition you know , the protest, that’s right give ‘em the ol’ “Silent Night.”
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Ethyl and Gladys Do Wal-Mart
I saw the epitome of the statement "Getting old ain't for sissies," tonight in Perry. Apparently to reach 70 in Perry you have to be pretty tough and self-sufficient.
I was in the Wal-Mart in Perry and I saw two seventy-something year old ladies (we'll call them Ethyl and Gladys) standing by a metal non-supported case in the middle of the aisle. The next thing I see is Gladys (or Ethyl) starting to climb the case to get to the stop shelf. I yell as I briskly walk toward them, "Can I help you?" Gladys steps down from the first shelf as Ethyl says "Yes, can you get us that thing of pineapple?" I stretch to reach up and secure the pineapple. I grab two so they don't start climbing again when I leave.
I may have saved two ladies from badly broken bones but about an hour later I realized they had a couple of tubs of preserved cherries already in their carts. Pineapples? Cherries? Yikes! I had just contributed to the birth of a fruitcake!
Next time I do something like that I want to fully seal the deal and bring over a pack of cut and bake chocolate chip cookies and say, "These are what those crazy kids are eating for the holidays these days!" Some grandkid will thank me someday.
I was in the Wal-Mart in Perry and I saw two seventy-something year old ladies (we'll call them Ethyl and Gladys) standing by a metal non-supported case in the middle of the aisle. The next thing I see is Gladys (or Ethyl) starting to climb the case to get to the stop shelf. I yell as I briskly walk toward them, "Can I help you?" Gladys steps down from the first shelf as Ethyl says "Yes, can you get us that thing of pineapple?" I stretch to reach up and secure the pineapple. I grab two so they don't start climbing again when I leave.
I may have saved two ladies from badly broken bones but about an hour later I realized they had a couple of tubs of preserved cherries already in their carts. Pineapples? Cherries? Yikes! I had just contributed to the birth of a fruitcake!
Next time I do something like that I want to fully seal the deal and bring over a pack of cut and bake chocolate chip cookies and say, "These are what those crazy kids are eating for the holidays these days!" Some grandkid will thank me someday.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
There's No Crying In Football, Oh Sorry, Yes There Is!
America, its time to be outraged along with the poor University of Texas! In January they are going to give a so-called championship trophy to a college football team that wins a so-called championship game. Why do I say “so-called?” Because they get to play each other for the so-called championship not because they won the right to by winning football games. They got to play in the so-called championship game because they won by the combination of most votes cast by coaches (who can’t watch very many teams play because they are, well, coaching), a mystery computer score (and don’t think that a heap of these computer geeks don’t come from Big 10 schools), a dungeon full of pirates tossing dice, and in case of a tie, a combination of congeniality and swimsuit scores.
It’s time for the only logical solution, no not playoffs, but a tournament. If you had a four team playoff the undefeated champions of the Rocky Mountain High conference would still have a reason to cry. If you had a sixteen team playoff number seventeen would beg congress for a bailout, I mean exception.
No, I say lets begin by starting the season with one patsy and then play your three biggest rivals to get your seeding and then boom! It’s off to the races, invite all 120 major programs and play it down to the single best team. No, of course your season doesn’t end if you lose. You get to play the rest of the season in so called, “meaningless” games like 99% of all the college games are any way. But I say there’s no such thing as “meaningless” if there’s tailgating involved!
What about the bowls with all their corporate sponsors, you say? Simple, each round is sponsored by a certain level sponsorship. The first round could be sponsored by small operations like hot dog vendors, such as, The Big Frank’s Bowl and Handy Man services like The Rusty Nail Bowl. The next round could move up to mom and pop restaurants (The Mama’s Homemade Soup Bowl) and hair salons (Yes, The Curl Up and Dye Bowl!) The final championship game would be the Starbucks Bowl featuring the Starbucks Half Time Perculation (They’re already everywhere everywhere could be, right?)
If I am doing my math right you can do that in six rounds. Adding the four seeding games that makes only ten games. Hey I’ve got a great idea, let’s make it double elimination!
It’s time for the only logical solution, no not playoffs, but a tournament. If you had a four team playoff the undefeated champions of the Rocky Mountain High conference would still have a reason to cry. If you had a sixteen team playoff number seventeen would beg congress for a bailout, I mean exception.
No, I say lets begin by starting the season with one patsy and then play your three biggest rivals to get your seeding and then boom! It’s off to the races, invite all 120 major programs and play it down to the single best team. No, of course your season doesn’t end if you lose. You get to play the rest of the season in so called, “meaningless” games like 99% of all the college games are any way. But I say there’s no such thing as “meaningless” if there’s tailgating involved!
What about the bowls with all their corporate sponsors, you say? Simple, each round is sponsored by a certain level sponsorship. The first round could be sponsored by small operations like hot dog vendors, such as, The Big Frank’s Bowl and Handy Man services like The Rusty Nail Bowl. The next round could move up to mom and pop restaurants (The Mama’s Homemade Soup Bowl) and hair salons (Yes, The Curl Up and Dye Bowl!) The final championship game would be the Starbucks Bowl featuring the Starbucks Half Time Perculation (They’re already everywhere everywhere could be, right?)
If I am doing my math right you can do that in six rounds. Adding the four seeding games that makes only ten games. Hey I’ve got a great idea, let’s make it double elimination!
The Unhandy Man's Guide To Christmas Lights!
Well, we're about 3/4 of the way done putting up Christmas lights and I fully expect a knock on the door from a few shepherds and wiseguys. I think we're brighter than any star they could be following.
I would like to share a few helpful hints to anyone still putting up Christmas lights:
- If working on the roof, go barefooted. You will find your monkey gripping toes to be a great assett as you hang 3/4 of your weight over the edge of the roof to get that last light clipped. My first year of marriage, as I hung over the edge of the roof, I thought, "I guess my wife wants Christmas lights more than she wants a husband!"
- Duct Tape is the only thing that will keep your lights stuck to the side of your house. The clips with sticky are slick and stylish but we're looking for sticky here, not slick. And by the way to the manufacturer's of "Duck Tape" the most common brand of duct tape (cute name, huh?) your clear kind does not stick as well as the other colors.
- You can buy more electricity. Two years ago we knew we needed more electricity. I called the electrician in the yellow pages who did not have an ad. I wanted to pay for electricity not the guys ad. It sounded like I caught the guy washing dishes that night. The next day he came out, we had additional outlets and the house has not burned down (yet).
- Make sure the women of the house have dried their hair before sunset. Even after adding more electricity we still can't use the blow dryer with the Christmas lights on without blowing a fuse!
- Complaining about putting up Christmas lights is an oxymoronic phrase. If you're complainin' you're not ho-ho-hoin'! If it's that much of a pain, just drop a check in the mail to the Salvation Army and go watch Texas Walker re-runs.
- Shop the day after Christmas. Make an envy list and then go buy it for 75% off for pure assembly and cord untangling joy next year!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
Ten Ways To Really Scrooge Up Your Christmas!
Ten Ways to Really Scrooge Up Your Christmas!
- Save your shopping to the last minute. The Jiffy Mart is usually open all night Christmas Eve and you can always buy a Nascar cap or lighter for your wife.
- Plug all your Christmas lights into one socket. The overload will create a great fireworks display and give you a new festive holiday hairdo.
- Make sure you give your children lots of holiday cookies and candy. They need extra sugar to be this persistent and annoying about getting stuff and how Santa does his job.
- Insist that you attend every holiday party and event that is around. No matter how exhausted you are or how much your feet hurt, go!
- Be sure that you don't set limits on spending. Hey! You've got charge cards. You've got checks left! Hey! There's an ATM! That must mean you can afford it. Show your kids that its all about the stuff!
- If you've never chopped down a christmas tree go to your neighborhood tree lot and tell them you want to get the feel of cutting your own tree down. Carry your own chain saw onto the lot and for safety be sure and wear an old hockey goalie mask for safety. Watch the children run around and squeal in unbridled joy.
- Use the fruitcake your friend sent you as a doorstop. Invite your friend over and she will be so impressed that you are using her gift so proudly.
- Invite all the associates and relatives you do not like to one party. That way you can get all the unpleasantries over in one evening. If you add alcohol you could even get law officers to validate how hard these people are to get along with.
- Send out one of those yearly family update newsletters. Enclose your family pictures (Everybody has blank space on their refrigerator they need to fill). Detail every day of your kid's school life. You have so many to send just address them to "Resident".
- Ask for receipts with your presents. I mean, really we're all going to run into each other at Wal-Mart the day after Christmas exchanging everything anyway. So just ask for the receipts in advances and make things really easy for us.
*For ideas on how to really enjoy the holidays check out the suggestions below.
Charity. Shop for a needy child. Have your office adopt a needy family.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Lassoing Turkey (That's me, a Lassoing Turkey)
Well, I don't know what else to say. This is perhaps my strangest Thanksgiving picture ever. I have played wiffle ball with a plastic pilgrim firstbasemen and a cardboard turkey at second, I have played football with a styrofoam pumpkin, and I made it a point to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead of turkey one Thanksgiving camping trip.
But I've never rodeoed on Thanksgiving. The truth is my cousin gave me a perfectly looped lasso to hold and the horse couldn't go anywhere but inside the arena. It was also nice that the few horses that our cousins had out for us city slickers refused to bump into each other no matter how poorly we steered them. Speaking of steering, wouldn't somebody make a lot of money if they just made a little steering wheel to put on the saddle horn? I mean you could actually just wrap the reins around the wheel and make it really work! That would make us city types a lot more comfortable.
For the sake of this picture, I only wish I had thought to wear a long sleeve shirt and a cowboy hat... and boots... and spurs. Next year. Of course that'll be the year we go to the bowling alley and bowl with frozen turkeys in a long sleeve shirt and a cowboy hat...and boots...and spurs.
Life Lesson: Traditions are a lot more fun when they keep changing!
Saturday, November 29, 2008
A Wal-Mart Employee Was Trampled To Death On Black Friday.
A Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by shoppers as he unlocked the doors of for shoppers the morning of Black Fridays. Other employees were hurt as they tried to help the employee. Other shoppers including a pregnant woman were taken to the hospital.
People! Get a hold of yourselves! Shoppers complained when the police had to shut the store down to complete the investigation because somebody died!
Wow! I'm a big fan of Black Friday. I think it's fun. I think it's a cool tradition. I think it combines two great American traits, capitalism and competition. This is a horrid example of what can happen when these two items are taken to their extremes.
It is also an example of what can happen when people get caught up in a pack mentality. People who wouldn't dare act rudely or aggressively on their own go wild when they are in a group that is stirred up.
Sad. Nothing funny here. Prayers go out to this man and his family. The blackest of Fridays indeed for this man's family every year.
Life Lesson #1: Capitalism, competition are fine in balance with compassion and cooperation.
Life Lesson #2: Be aware of the pack you travel in and check yourself out of the group if you are
not comfortable with their intensity or intentions.
People! Get a hold of yourselves! Shoppers complained when the police had to shut the store down to complete the investigation because somebody died!
Wow! I'm a big fan of Black Friday. I think it's fun. I think it's a cool tradition. I think it combines two great American traits, capitalism and competition. This is a horrid example of what can happen when these two items are taken to their extremes.
It is also an example of what can happen when people get caught up in a pack mentality. People who wouldn't dare act rudely or aggressively on their own go wild when they are in a group that is stirred up.
Sad. Nothing funny here. Prayers go out to this man and his family. The blackest of Fridays indeed for this man's family every year.
Life Lesson #1: Capitalism, competition are fine in balance with compassion and cooperation.
Life Lesson #2: Be aware of the pack you travel in and check yourself out of the group if you are
not comfortable with their intensity or intentions.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The Macho Man's Guide To Black Friday (Or, Goin' a TV Huntin')
My wife, daughter, and mother-in-law were all a buzz about shopping on the day after Thanksgiving. My nine year-old daughter was especially jazzed about getting up early to join the sea of salmon swimming up mall escalators. They had nothing in particular to shop for my wife just thought it was important to train my daughter in the fine art of being a good American woman and contributing to the capitalistic engine that makes America great.
Being somewhat of an endorphin junkie myself and wanting to contribute to the family’s desire to donate money to big box retailers I offered to participate in a manly way. Yes, I would go on a TV hunt much the way I would a deer hunt. My male friends wouldn’t mock me this way. It was a masculine foray to bring home the biiiig electronic score thrown over my shoulder.
In the part that is totally unmasculine my wife wrote down the model number we had agreed on as the best buy and then circled it on the newspaper insert. (Maybe I could treat the newspaper insert like a map, yeah, I could put a big buried treasure “X” on the TV and that would make it more piratey!) I gathered my layers of warm clothes, and kissed the lasses good night. I would sleep in my daughter’s bed so as not to wake them in the wee hours of the morning.
My wife and I agreed that getting to the store at 4 AM when they started handing out the claim tickets for the TV would be fine. I mean, really, who else was going to be waiting at a store at 4 AM? I decided to impress her and get there at 3:45 to be extra sure to capture the big one.
The alarm clock went off and I was pumped with adrenaline so I grabbed my hat, gloves, book, sales map, and folding chair and bounded silently out the door! I even bypassed the doughnut shop to assure I got my spot and my TV (of course the “Hot Now!” sign wasn’t on so it made it much easier to pass up).
I turned into the parking lot and much to my shock and awe were two to three hundred people in line already! They all seemed to be laughing, mocking, and pointing at me as I drove by in slow motion. “What I was I thinking?” they were laughing in their head. I’ll tell you what I was thinking, I was thinking that if I turn around right now I can be back in bed at 4:30 for a good three hours of stolen sleep!
For those of you interested in the deer hunt comparison I have never had two or three hundred hunters show up in a field. For safety’s sake if I did, I would still do the same thing. I would head back home for a nice toasty three hour nap. That many people competing for twelve TV’s or twelve deer cannot lead to anything good.
The rest of the day was spent in a manly way. My wife says I spoke with her as they were leaving on their little shopping expedition at 5:30 (I thought I just dreamt that!). I woke up at 7:30 to go play a couple hours of basketball with my nephew, some twenty years my younger. I then came home to work on the outdoor decorations which involved a lot of a macho’s guy favorite substance, (no, not beer) duct tape! Yes, I did go back out about 7:00 PM to look at TV’s with my wife. Yes, all the Early, or as I like to call them, Cuckoo Bird Specials were over but we could look in peace and calm. By looking at banks of sixteen TV’s at a time I felt like one of those cartoon aliens that have a line of sixteen eyes. I also don’t think I’ll be watching as many TV shows about tropical fish and incredible underwater TV footage as TV salespeople think. Nice pictures, but they seemed a little light on the plot.
Did I ever make the big score? You bet I did! The next morning my wife found a great TV for a great price! On line. In bed. Hmm, next time I’m thinking of deer huntin’ I’m getting’ my wife to Google “venison” first.
Being somewhat of an endorphin junkie myself and wanting to contribute to the family’s desire to donate money to big box retailers I offered to participate in a manly way. Yes, I would go on a TV hunt much the way I would a deer hunt. My male friends wouldn’t mock me this way. It was a masculine foray to bring home the biiiig electronic score thrown over my shoulder.
In the part that is totally unmasculine my wife wrote down the model number we had agreed on as the best buy and then circled it on the newspaper insert. (Maybe I could treat the newspaper insert like a map, yeah, I could put a big buried treasure “X” on the TV and that would make it more piratey!) I gathered my layers of warm clothes, and kissed the lasses good night. I would sleep in my daughter’s bed so as not to wake them in the wee hours of the morning.
My wife and I agreed that getting to the store at 4 AM when they started handing out the claim tickets for the TV would be fine. I mean, really, who else was going to be waiting at a store at 4 AM? I decided to impress her and get there at 3:45 to be extra sure to capture the big one.
The alarm clock went off and I was pumped with adrenaline so I grabbed my hat, gloves, book, sales map, and folding chair and bounded silently out the door! I even bypassed the doughnut shop to assure I got my spot and my TV (of course the “Hot Now!” sign wasn’t on so it made it much easier to pass up).
I turned into the parking lot and much to my shock and awe were two to three hundred people in line already! They all seemed to be laughing, mocking, and pointing at me as I drove by in slow motion. “What I was I thinking?” they were laughing in their head. I’ll tell you what I was thinking, I was thinking that if I turn around right now I can be back in bed at 4:30 for a good three hours of stolen sleep!
For those of you interested in the deer hunt comparison I have never had two or three hundred hunters show up in a field. For safety’s sake if I did, I would still do the same thing. I would head back home for a nice toasty three hour nap. That many people competing for twelve TV’s or twelve deer cannot lead to anything good.
The rest of the day was spent in a manly way. My wife says I spoke with her as they were leaving on their little shopping expedition at 5:30 (I thought I just dreamt that!). I woke up at 7:30 to go play a couple hours of basketball with my nephew, some twenty years my younger. I then came home to work on the outdoor decorations which involved a lot of a macho’s guy favorite substance, (no, not beer) duct tape! Yes, I did go back out about 7:00 PM to look at TV’s with my wife. Yes, all the Early, or as I like to call them, Cuckoo Bird Specials were over but we could look in peace and calm. By looking at banks of sixteen TV’s at a time I felt like one of those cartoon aliens that have a line of sixteen eyes. I also don’t think I’ll be watching as many TV shows about tropical fish and incredible underwater TV footage as TV salespeople think. Nice pictures, but they seemed a little light on the plot.
Did I ever make the big score? You bet I did! The next morning my wife found a great TV for a great price! On line. In bed. Hmm, next time I’m thinking of deer huntin’ I’m getting’ my wife to Google “venison” first.
Thankful
Incredibly thankful for stone cold gorgeous wife and very cool daughters. Christ. Awesome parents. Looking forward to Thanksgiving morning Turkey Trot, smoked turkey, family games of football and wiffle ball. Friday-Ultimate Frisbee in the rain, with the rain it should be called Ultimate Ultimate! Thank you God for letting me love playing more than sitting!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
It's Time Start Ducting The Issues!
When you wake on Nov. 5 it will be all over but the shoutin'! I take that back, if you listen to talk radio and cable news talk shows the shoutin' is never over. I sure have heard a lot of people just say they are relieved this election is over. Relieved. HmmÖthat's too bad. Free and fair elections are what people all over the world fight for. And all we can feel is relief?
My guess is there truly is a silent majority that get that quietly goes about its business and doesn't like the accusatory nature of today's politics. Now don't get me wrong I don't think politics have been white linen glove affairs in the past. What I'm real sure of now is that this is our first election with full blown blogs, texts, internet, talk radio, and cable news. It's like we are walking around with two bullhorns, one facing in toward each ear. No wonder we're so irritable!
The sides seems to have drawn some pretty strong lines. If you're for Obama you just want to be hip and cool. If you're for McCain, you're a rich self-centered snob. I really like to think people have more depth than that. I know of some pro-life democrats and some pro-life republicans. Now put that in your stove pipe hat and smoke it. Yes, people can affiliate with a party and have different opinions than that party.
Maybe it seems like we have forgotten that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Here's my recommendation for how to fix the system. Sometime in the next four years you have to have a duct tape over your mouth conversation with someone of a different persuasion. The following week you could be the talker instead of the ductee. That's right, people would actually listen to a complete statement knowing they could not yell at or interrupt their friend. Ooh, did I just use the word “friend” in a political discussion. How weird was that.
Maybe we can then go from yelling, trash talking, accusatory, mean spirited elections to just having an inductee for president.
My guess is there truly is a silent majority that get that quietly goes about its business and doesn't like the accusatory nature of today's politics. Now don't get me wrong I don't think politics have been white linen glove affairs in the past. What I'm real sure of now is that this is our first election with full blown blogs, texts, internet, talk radio, and cable news. It's like we are walking around with two bullhorns, one facing in toward each ear. No wonder we're so irritable!
The sides seems to have drawn some pretty strong lines. If you're for Obama you just want to be hip and cool. If you're for McCain, you're a rich self-centered snob. I really like to think people have more depth than that. I know of some pro-life democrats and some pro-life republicans. Now put that in your stove pipe hat and smoke it. Yes, people can affiliate with a party and have different opinions than that party.
Maybe it seems like we have forgotten that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason. Here's my recommendation for how to fix the system. Sometime in the next four years you have to have a duct tape over your mouth conversation with someone of a different persuasion. The following week you could be the talker instead of the ductee. That's right, people would actually listen to a complete statement knowing they could not yell at or interrupt their friend. Ooh, did I just use the word “friend” in a political discussion. How weird was that.
Maybe we can then go from yelling, trash talking, accusatory, mean spirited elections to just having an inductee for president.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
The Potential Florida Chainsaw Massacre
To me, the two strangest non-laws in America are that anybody can rent a U-Haul truck without a special license and anyone can buy a chainsaw without having special training. To make matters worse, I now own a chainsaw stuck on the end of a long pole. Yes, my wife would like those dangling vines cut down from 10-feet high and yes God gave me two arms so I could still have one if I lost one in a pole chain-saw accident.
Now, it seems she wants these vines cut down at about the 20-feet-high level because I was sent up the ladder with my Decapitate-O-Matic! Yes, there I stood wildly swinging the death blade on a stick from a wobbly ladder. Somehow the vines got whacked and I did not.
My good friend Darren "Jethro" Thompson topped this story by saying his neighbor asked him to hold the ladder while his neighbor scurried up the ladder of death. Now only one thing could be more dangerous than standing on the ladder and swinging the chainsaw wildly. That is standing beneath the wild blade swinger. If you are the ladder holder there any combination of approximately six different heavy or sharp objects that could rain down on your noggin; the objects being sawed, the sawyer (fancy word for one who saws), the ladder, the pole, the chain-saw motor, or the sharp, jagged metal rotating "teeth of a jaguar" cutting part of the saw.
Once again I escaped another day of yard work with my limbs intact which I am convinced only gives my wife another day of false security that I am capable of making the yard look better and not leave blood stains. I tremble because we are not far away from Christmas lights on the roof season. Maybe Jethro and I can put the lights up by hooking the lights on the end of the pole chain saw, from a ladder affixed to the top of a U-Haul as we drive by. I guess we need a third manly man to hold the ladder as we fly by. I know Mell's wife, Kelly, has bought into the invincible husband doing yardwork myth. Hey Mell, what are you doing the Friday after Thanksgiving?
Now, it seems she wants these vines cut down at about the 20-feet-high level because I was sent up the ladder with my Decapitate-O-Matic! Yes, there I stood wildly swinging the death blade on a stick from a wobbly ladder. Somehow the vines got whacked and I did not.
My good friend Darren "Jethro" Thompson topped this story by saying his neighbor asked him to hold the ladder while his neighbor scurried up the ladder of death. Now only one thing could be more dangerous than standing on the ladder and swinging the chainsaw wildly. That is standing beneath the wild blade swinger. If you are the ladder holder there any combination of approximately six different heavy or sharp objects that could rain down on your noggin; the objects being sawed, the sawyer (fancy word for one who saws), the ladder, the pole, the chain-saw motor, or the sharp, jagged metal rotating "teeth of a jaguar" cutting part of the saw.
Once again I escaped another day of yard work with my limbs intact which I am convinced only gives my wife another day of false security that I am capable of making the yard look better and not leave blood stains. I tremble because we are not far away from Christmas lights on the roof season. Maybe Jethro and I can put the lights up by hooking the lights on the end of the pole chain saw, from a ladder affixed to the top of a U-Haul as we drive by. I guess we need a third manly man to hold the ladder as we fly by. I know Mell's wife, Kelly, has bought into the invincible husband doing yardwork myth. Hey Mell, what are you doing the Friday after Thanksgiving?
Monday, October 06, 2008
That's Pretty Good, I Only Forgot One Thing!
I was looking forward to some great father-daughter time. My wife, Sherrie, was going to do a triathlon in Cancun and Lauren and I would go trick or treating with our good friends the Thompsons at Disney’s Magic Kingdom at Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party and then do our perspective duathlon and triathlon the following days. I made sure and had my goofy hat, big puffy gloves, and dreadlocks to go as Rasta-Goofy (Hiyuck, hiyuck, garsh, mon!). I had our bikes, the pump, the helmets ready for our races. We even had a flexible departure time on Friday morning so I was not rushed when I packed.
I pride myself on being able to take care of my kids. I don’t believe that fathers are incapable caregivers. I think many men use this as an excuse and many women don’t let fathers grow in these roles because they do not trust them.
Now the key word as mentioned before was pride. Because sure enough, pride goeth before the fall. I only forgot one thing the whole trip. Yep, just one little ol’ thing. One teeny tiny miniscule thing…my daughter’s SUITCASE! To paraphrase my friend Napoleon DEAN-O-MITE Inserra, the pastor at The Well (the rockin’est church ever) “God sent his Son…Paul forgot his daughter’s suitcase!”
Now God knows my true parenting skills because he has given me two very easy to raise, soft hearted girls. Lauren just looked at me and I looked at her when we started to unpack at the Disney campground and realized her suitcase was not in the car. In a paper I had to do when I was at TCC (That was so long ago it was actually only TC.) my mother said our family philosophy was, “Just get up off the ground and get back on that horse.” She didn’t whine, she didn’t complain, and she didn’t have a fit. Fortunately she and Lauren Thompson were going to Disney as pajama girls. So she and Charlene Thompson worked out a pajama swap. That would lead her to getting to go shopping for a new bathing suit for the water park trip and one more new outfit from the mall to cover the rest of the weekend. She was going to milk this guilt thing for a pretty good shopping spree from the old man.
Hey, I said she was a good kid, not a saint!
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Politics You Wish Were Unconventional
I’d like to thank Lisa Woodham for teaching me all I need to know about politics. Lisa was running for president of the third grade at Timberlane Elementary School. During her speech she promised to get gum chewing allowed in the classroom. Of course I was a grizzled fifth grader at the time and I knew no young whipper snapper third grader could break the iron rules set by Principal Gilchrist. But it was then that I realized that it’s a politician’s job to say whatever it takes that they believe that will get them elected. I think that was OK back when it took a horseman a few days to deliver copies of a speech from one coast to another. But to constantly have each candidate in my car, in my computer, on my TV, and in my Roy Rogers lunch box (I guess those might be different voices) is starting to get on my last nerve.
No taxes for your (fill in the blank income bracket) somehow will equal no crime, a pristine public education, and roads paved with, well… asphalt. (Hey I’ve got a speaking engagement coming up with the Asphalt Contractors Association of Florida Asphalt Association so I know where my bread is buttered!)
I think the conventions are great for employment numbers. Tenured college professors of communication will continue to have jobs reviewing speeches. I don’t really know who a “swing” voter is or who is undecided. I think the swingers and the undecided all work for the polling companies so they will continue to have jobs. The talking heads all get to meet in the same place and you wish the phrase “Talk their heads off,” was, indeed, literal.
As I write this I am watching the Republican nominee for vice president. At least they have a sense of humor. I did not know Saturday Night Live’s Tina Fey really had the time to be Vice President with adding that Thirty Rock show. Now if the Democrats would say that Will Ferrell will be their Attorney General we could have some politics that would be fun to watch.
(Oh and they just played the “Cowboy Troy” (my favorite [only?] black country rapper card.) This really could get fun!
No taxes for your (fill in the blank income bracket) somehow will equal no crime, a pristine public education, and roads paved with, well… asphalt. (Hey I’ve got a speaking engagement coming up with the Asphalt Contractors Association of Florida Asphalt Association so I know where my bread is buttered!)
I think the conventions are great for employment numbers. Tenured college professors of communication will continue to have jobs reviewing speeches. I don’t really know who a “swing” voter is or who is undecided. I think the swingers and the undecided all work for the polling companies so they will continue to have jobs. The talking heads all get to meet in the same place and you wish the phrase “Talk their heads off,” was, indeed, literal.
As I write this I am watching the Republican nominee for vice president. At least they have a sense of humor. I did not know Saturday Night Live’s Tina Fey really had the time to be Vice President with adding that Thirty Rock show. Now if the Democrats would say that Will Ferrell will be their Attorney General we could have some politics that would be fun to watch.
(Oh and they just played the “Cowboy Troy” (my favorite [only?] black country rapper card.) This really could get fun!
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Pilates Of The Carribean, Arrrgh!
Well… the time arrived for my second foray into the Pilates Pit. Yes, whenever enough of my bones break playing basketball and my hip and back ache from trying to keep up in some way another with twenty year olds my ancient wisdom brain brings me to the darkened cave at my gym I know only as the Pilates Pit.
It is a cave filled with women of all ages who can bend, contort, and generally make you feel terribly weak and uncoordinated within the first minute. Although they smile and tell you that they are glad you are there, they have that same tone I think the witch had when welcoming Hansel and Gretel into the candy house.
I thought Pilates was developed by a ballet teacher but ever dependable Wikepedia informs us that it was developed as a way to help rehabilitate soldiers after World War I. Personally I think it was developed by former ballet dancers that were injured in World War I and still wanted to show that they were tougher than anyone else in the world.
Now, the premise of Pilates seems to be that you keep every muscle tight in your body except…your…face. Now the premise of keeping your face loose seems to be that you can smile at any guys that have entered their lair and say, “Hey, this is easy, why are grimacing?”
Among the other oddities is the skill you build in drawing with your toes. Yes, you lie on your back and draw baseballs, then soccer balls, then the whole earth with your toes. If I ever get paralyzed from the waist up I will still be able to find employment painting the walls of sports fields with my feet. I am also working on my math skills by doing figure eights, although mine probably currently looks more like pictures of hammerhead sharks.
I’d give myself an “A” for attendance (staying until the Pilates Master says we are dismissed), a “B” for effort (after a while I just quit trying to keep up with the Pilates Princesses), and an “F” for form (my legs are bent like a witch’s nose and I grimaced way too much!) I must be doing something right, though, because I’m walking like a penguin to get some aspirin and put some ice on my hips. And tonight I’m working on thinking about doing Pilates without grimacing from just the thought of it.
It is a cave filled with women of all ages who can bend, contort, and generally make you feel terribly weak and uncoordinated within the first minute. Although they smile and tell you that they are glad you are there, they have that same tone I think the witch had when welcoming Hansel and Gretel into the candy house.
I thought Pilates was developed by a ballet teacher but ever dependable Wikepedia informs us that it was developed as a way to help rehabilitate soldiers after World War I. Personally I think it was developed by former ballet dancers that were injured in World War I and still wanted to show that they were tougher than anyone else in the world.
Now, the premise of Pilates seems to be that you keep every muscle tight in your body except…your…face. Now the premise of keeping your face loose seems to be that you can smile at any guys that have entered their lair and say, “Hey, this is easy, why are grimacing?”
Among the other oddities is the skill you build in drawing with your toes. Yes, you lie on your back and draw baseballs, then soccer balls, then the whole earth with your toes. If I ever get paralyzed from the waist up I will still be able to find employment painting the walls of sports fields with my feet. I am also working on my math skills by doing figure eights, although mine probably currently looks more like pictures of hammerhead sharks.
I’d give myself an “A” for attendance (staying until the Pilates Master says we are dismissed), a “B” for effort (after a while I just quit trying to keep up with the Pilates Princesses), and an “F” for form (my legs are bent like a witch’s nose and I grimaced way too much!) I must be doing something right, though, because I’m walking like a penguin to get some aspirin and put some ice on my hips. And tonight I’m working on thinking about doing Pilates without grimacing from just the thought of it.
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